I am closer to 40 than 35 and my life is so chaotic and messy that I wonder if I will ever grow up. The evidence follows:
1. My flat is so messy that my cleaner tells me off. This is despite the fact I pay her more for extra hours to tidy up after me. You know, if she organised my life better, maybe my flat would be pretty and I would have wonderful dinner parties where I am amazing and serve up incredible delights that I just happened to rustle up in the kitchen. Instead, my friends come around for vodka shots before going out and balance shop-bought snacks on chipped plates on their knees while I tell them that “eatin’s cheatin”.
2. My niece (age 5) ran in to tell me a fabulous story of stepping in dog poo. I am the aunty that kids run to with poo stories. My other niece (age 8) joined in with a story of a boy in her class who suffered the playtime humiliation of a bird pooing on his head with 20 fellow classmates as witnesses. You should call him Shithead, I say. My niece looks at me with horror and says “that would be horrible, it’s not HIS fault a bird pooed on his head”. I burn with shame and mutter something about it being lucky to be pooed on and not telling her mother that I said shit.
3. I will go to the gym before work. I will open gym bag and will have forgotten socks, knickers, shampoo, conditioner, flipfops, shower gel, body lotion and moisturiser. This mean I have to risk foot disease as I tip toe to the showers to wash myself all over in gym-supplied Fairy Liquid and buy emergency 100% polyester itchy knickers from New Look before heading into work with Horrendous Hell Hair. Asian Hair + Zero Hair Products is the nastiest thing you ever saw. I have been going to the gym before work for a hundred years. What is my problem? Similarly, I am hungry and open fridge. There is a tub of furry olives in there from 2011, some spicy Nandos sauce with a foosty lid and 5 bottles of champagne. I am still hungry. How do people cope with gym bag packing AND food shopping? If anyone does both, send that genius to NASA, their skills are wasted in our country!
4. I recently stayed at a friend’s house and took a steamy hot shower in the morning. I just HAD to draw a penis on her shower door. My super sophisticated friend will take a shower in the morning and a penis will greet her. Or worse, her husband will see it first.
5. My friend John asks me to write a profile about him for a dating website where friends describe the “dater”. I am touched, we have been friends since college. I write a profile and then write “my friend likes…” and list a list of lovely things. However when you read vertically down the list, the first letter spells “BIGTITS”. He doesn’t notice. He phones me up to thank me for the time I took to write such a wonderful profile but laments that no-one seems to be getting in touch with him. I wonder whether to ‘fess up as I know he’s spending £100s on this website. Instead I advise him to change his photo to one that looks less creepy.
I have a plan of action to grow the hell up! I will have a Special Place for my keys that makes them easy to retrieve. I will buy and nurture and water a house plant and it will live for more than a month. I will learn when I’ve “had enough” to drink and not stick my tongue out to anyone who tells me I’ve “had enough”.
As soon as I have mastered these fine tricks then I will be ready to get married, have children and talk about kitchen appliances! Eek, but what if I don’t want it?