Zip Your Lips

ikea almond chocolate tart

At work we fell into two camps during and following the horse meat scandal.

Smug smirky looky-downy middle-classes who sneer “what do you expect! A Findus frozen lasagne hahahah and you think you’re eating beef? Come on!”


Smug smirky looky-downy vegetarians who sneer “hang on you disgusting eaters of flesh! What is the difference between eating a cow and a horse?”

I fell into the second camp. “It’s a good week to be a veggie, hohoho” my fellow veggies and I chuckled.

Not so!  Do you like chocolate? And almond? I heart both.  And if you were in the Second Worst Place on Earth (Ikea), does your partner have to promise to buy you a chocolate almond cake to shut you up that “all the cool couples in the world are not in Ikea on a Saturday”?

Ikea have found poo, YES poo, in their chocolate almond cakes. I shake even as I type. I remember reading about some loser who found a fingernail in his cornflakes, but this is even worse than that. I shall never step inside Ikea again and this story gives me the perfect reason not to, thank you Ikea! I hate your crappy furniture, long queues and one-lost-nail-in-the-packet-so-you-have-to-drive-all-the-way-back! Your ads are boring, girl in knickers bouncing around, cheers for that but I’m not a teenage boy. And now! You are feeding me poo as well as selling it to me! Goodbye Ikea, I am of that age now that I can move on to Heal’s and am blessed with a rubbish memory so I can’t actually remember if I’ve ever eaten one of your chocolate poo cakes.


3 Comments to “Zip Your Lips”

  1. Bunty that is a truly gross story!

    I think people need to realise you get what you pay for with meat. I would like someone to please test halal and kosher meat. I watched an investigative doc ages ago that pointed out that halal and kosher meat is more open to fraud as it is more expensive creating the perfect incentive.

    Your poo story still doesn’t beat my recent experience in Delhi thinking about it still makes me faint. I sat down with a friend after a looooong day for a coffee and pizza slice at a French bakery in Delhi called L’Opera. I was thoroughly enjoying it and the gossip with my friend when I happened to glance down and saw a PUBIC HAIR sticking out. I never felt so close to fainting. Needless to say that was the end of that evening and I returned the bread I just bought too. The manager was apologetic and promised a call from an executive which never transpired. It was the grossest thing I ever experienced. It makes a head hair seem understandable but a pube crosses the line.

    Pass me my smelling salts!

  2. I have always been a bit suspect of the food in Ikea, it’s too cheap to be good quality. And the queues at the weekend are too long for me to ever bother with them. I am intrigued about how poo actually got into or onto the cake. Bad hygiene in the kitchen? I cannot begin to explain how many people I see going to the loo and then not washing their hands with soap, I feel ill everytime I see it.

    I think I fall into a third camp with regards the beef scandal: I only buy organic meat and always try to buy it from a meat counter. I just don’t do processed meat, it’s disgusting. What they use to make processed beef is what I would normally throw in the bin.

    I f you can’t afford good meat because you are poor, then go veggie.

    • So easy to say “go veggie” but I would suggest that the people that buy Findus frozen lasagne do it out of necessity and aren’t suddenly in a position to start buying artichokes and fashioning salads out of them.

      I heard on the radio that people just don’t know how to cook for less money. I feel sorry for these people, it is cheap and easy to cook but they have to learn, be willing to learn and have the energy to peel spuds after a days work!

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